How to destroy your kids

Sup doods?
Kay so like I'm hearing all this shit on TV about how we have to coddle our babies, and give them everything they want, and don't punish them, and all the bullshit that turns kids into sniveling little fucking whiners incapable of even the most basic social interactions, dig? Being a mother myself, and taking lessons from my own parents, here's my list of the ten best ways to utterly destroy your babies. Or, if you're a Liberal, to make them nice little automaton Liberals like yourself.

1. Overprotect them
Don't let them go out alone, right? Make sure if they have to cross the street, you cross the street with them. Don't let them watch anything questionable, especially movies that don't have a G rating. If a teacher gives them a hard time at school, threaten to sue the school board, the district, and the teacher. Scrutinize their friends, their friends' parents, and everything they do together. Assume that everyone that glances at your child is a pedophile, kidnapper, or some other kind of monster especially if they're of the male persuasion.

2. Show Favoritism
If you have more than one kid, make sure you love one more than the other and make doubly sure you show it. Compare them all the time. Make sure the one child that you don't love as much is told constantly how inferior he is to his sibling. When the child you adore does something, tell your parents; your friends, your co-workers, and especially the sibling. When the sibling does something good, barely acknowledge it. When the kid you adore gets in trouble, pat them and say they don't need to worry because you'll take care f it. When your other kids gets in trouble, beat the shit out of him.

3. Set unrealistic goals
Exert as much pressure to excel as you possibly can, in everything your baby does. Everything. If she manages to excel, raise the bar. If she fails to excel, let her know how disappointed you are in her. Be certain that no matter what, your child is never rewarded. If she does great, tell her you know she can do better.
See, the thing with setting unreasonable expectations on your kids is that it's totally not about making sure the kid succeeds in life. Support and pride in their achievements can do that. Setting unrealistic goals is about the parent's reputation. When your baby excels, everyone knows what a great parent you are, right? Right.

4. Overindulge them
Give them everything they want, even if it's more than you can afford. Follow trends and fas and if your baby shows even the slightest interest, smother them with it. New clothes every week, the latest Ipod or Netbook, hey whatevs keeps baby happy, right? Make sure the child is so dependent on you for getting what they want that they don't learn how to work for things themselves. This will teach the child how special they are. It will also teach them that when they go out into the world and find out the universe isn't centered on them it's always everybody elses' fault. They're just too stupid to understand how great he is, and he's never in the wrong or needs to show any kind of responsibility.

5. Discourage them
Tell them, or at least show them, that they're interests, religious and political viewpoints, and hobbies fail to meet your expectations. Place them in activities they don't want to do, but you want them to do. Make sure to use terms like failure when they don't live up to your demands. Refuse to understand the way they think, and refuse to reward them under any circumstance. If they succeed at something you want them to do, make sure you say something like it's about time instead of giving them a hug and telling them how proud you are. Nothing produces an emotionally healthy, confident adult like a kid growing up in an environment where nothing was ever good enough for Mommy and/or Daddy.

6. Make them feel like an intrusion
Fob your babies off on nannies, day care centers, the Boy Scouts, anything or anyone to get them out of your hair. Make sure not to pay attention to them unless they're fucking something up. You can't go out to dinner, share quality time with the hubby, or go see a movie because of those fucking brats, right? So find someone willing to take them for a few hours and indulge yourself. Make sure the kids prepare their own meals, and tell them too bad if they forgot to make lunch for school. You aren't made of money, and if they can't have enough responsibility to make their own food, they can go hungry. You've got a date, let your mom take them for awhile.

7. Do not let them make mistakes.
Expect perfection. If they spill a glass of milk, forget that they're only kids and they don't have the great manual dexterity you do. make sure to fly into a rage and lecture them on the cost of food, clothes, or whatever they damaged. If they break something, make sure you withhold any allowance or fun activities until they repair or replace what they broke. If they say something unintentionally insulting to a friend of yours or a stranger, slap the shit out of them instead of calming explaining why what they said was wrong. After all, you never drop something, break anything, or say the wrong thing at the wrong time so why should they get away with it?

8. Neglect them in discipline
Spare the rod and make a perfect child, right? Let those little perfect angels do whatever they want. If they want to run around a store screaming at the top of their lungs, admire how energetic they are! If they're rude to other people, pride yourself on how well you've taught them to be independent free-thinkers. Now check it. Discipline does not equate to physical abuse. If a kid needs a smack on the ass because you've asked them to behave and they refuse, you're enforcing your authority. You're in charge, not them. A kid that gets a spanking or a stern talking to and understands that his behavior is unacceptable is a child that grows up understanding the value of discipline. You don't have to be a fucking militant about it, just let them know what they did wrong, why it was wrong, and who exactly the parent is.

9. Verbally abuse them.
No tongue in cheek now. Doods. Kids have a very limited range in methods of expressing themselves, especially when they're young. They have a simple vocabulary, not a complex adult one. The things you say to a child in anger or disgust can rip his little heart to fucking shreds. And believe you me, a kid never forgets. Your baby can grow up to be a CEO and a proud family man, and at 45 years old will remember that time you told him what a little shit he was. If you call your child names, you will emotionally scar him for life. If you behave this way, you don't fucking deserve to have children.

10. Physically abuse them.
A swat on the ass when a kid is being a brat and won't stop after being asked to is discipline. Striking him anywhere else on the body is abuse. If you slap, punch, whip, burn, or anything to cause pain and anguish to your baby you should be hunted down, tied to a fucking tree, and left to rot.

Kay, check it. Doing any or all of the above will produce a kid, then a teenager, than an adult that is sullen, bitter, angry at the world, a social midget, or emotionally barren. These kids of 'child-raising' methods produce peeps that only know how to hate, be disappointed, and lead lives of frustration and negativity. These kind of actions produce the shithead teenagers we have today, right? Think I don't know what I'm fucking talking about?
I was raised in a family with parents that didn't do any of these. They loved me and my brothers equally. The gave out praise when it was due. They shelled out rewards when we earned them, and they doled out discipline when it was earned. They raised what they call "Good kids we can be proud of."
Isn't that what every kid wants to hear their parents say about them? bet your ass mine will hear that from me.

Pax